I am Earthquake Survivor 399,999.
I have sought refuge in another city, it feels lonely and cold. No familiar faces, no body that knows the emotional scars that burden. How can they?
People's hearts generous with kind words, we are all human and this has happened to our own.
'Kia Kaha Christchurch we are here for you'
You have no idea what this means.
One Nation, Red & Black on my drive up the State highway one.
Everywhere I turn there is a sea of support, overwhelming and so true to the humble kiwi way.
'The Feelers' -Stand up, plays as I leave the city I still call home. I cry with guilt for leaving.
The words hit home..
It's time to open up the memories of your past
And its time to move on
It's time to open up the shadows of your heart
And it's time to move on
Cause it's a great time to live and it's time to
Stand up and be counted on
Cause it's a great time to live and it's time to
Stand up and be counted on
It's time to open up and shed a little light
On your soul
Cause the box you put your heartache in got
Lost or swept out to sea
Now it's time just to move on
And it's a long long road to carry on I've got to
Stand up and be counted on, It's a long long
Road and I've got to be strong.
I feel like a fractured human. A hollowness that never sleeps, an emptiness feeling where the carefree me used to be.
There are still surreal moments where you think, where was I, what did I see, what did I feel. If you think about it too much you become scared of being human and living in a world of unpredictability.
These are the burdens of destruction on the inside.
A feeling inside that can never be explained to an unknowing in the true detail it deserves.
There are cracks in the carefree spirit that once stood tall and true, now shattered as easily as the bricks and mortar that filled the eyes of a nation.
Life is different. I am different for it.
Nothing is as real on television, nothing is real unless you are living it and living it is something else.
There is an emerging after-affect where there is a natural fear of the suddenness of life.
The suddenness was always there but most other sudden events are controllable to some degree. An earthquake there is no control. You just have to say F%&k a hundred times and hope for the best.
There's a helpless humbling that flicks through your mind that this world we live is greater than us. We had always known this but never had we been shown how small we really are in this awe inspiring universe. We have no control.
I may be miles away but I live the emotion of those still there. I know what it feels like, I know the new normal and I know it is scary as hell.
The demands of life still there, life must go on.
But the worry is never far away.
I feel have been ostracized for leaving. I am weak, a deserter, I am away from the reality that is my broken home city.
I may be somewhere else, I may not live it day to day but the issues are still there.
It is lonely without those I love, and it is constant anxiety for those that still live there.
It is hope for a better tomorrow and it is the reality that suddenness can happen anywhere at anytime.
It is what it is.
If only in a moments blink that it would be the city it was.
My heart will remain true to Christchurch.
"Friends are family you choose for your self"
Kia Kaha My Family
Te Aroha Nui!
I am here if you need me
x
